Thursday, May 1, 2014

The infamous return of "Couch Potato Guide" May 2 edition.

Ah, yes...The return of the "Couch Potato Guide." Not only are you going to finish an entire two liter of Pepsi Max or two (idk,  is that what everyone drinks now?) this weekend, and funnel the bag of Snyder's chips up to your lips and eat every last morsel, you are going to watch sports....lots of sports. In order to be the laziest sports watching person imaginable, here's what you do. You flip on the boobtube (remember when that used to draw a chuckle?) and I'll tell you what to watch. I'll even count it down for you, just so you don't have to flip back and forth if you don't want to. Just settle in to one channel, and launch snack sequence. (Man I sound really lame, I think that's the point.) Here goes nothin'


10. Wait, what? The NFL Draft isn't this weekend? Seriously, ESPN? You mean to tell me you can talk about a non-game sporting event for this long, and you are going to tell me I have to wait another week of this nonsense? #OneMoreWeek #JohnnyFootball #ClowneyWorkEthic #Killme #TomSavage






9. No Draft? No problem, I'll watch real football. Oh wait a minute, it's May, so that means more College Spring games. NOOOOO!!! The only thing worse than NFL Preseason is a college football spring game. Save yourself. Oregon will wear these uniforms, though.(Still, don't watch it) Am I the only one that isn't on board with Oregon's uniforms? Cool guys, wear practice jerseys cooler than everyone's game jerseys, get over yourselves.


8. THE BUCS -  Real live sports. The Pirates will play the Toronto Blue Jays in a weekend series at PNC, which is sure to be a preview of the this year's world series. The Pirates can't hit, They can't hold a lead, and they kinda suck right now. Have your Jolly Roger nearby, but chances are you won't need it.


7. Canadiens at Bruins Game 2 - It's Saturday at 12:30, this is where your sports watching Saturday begins. Your probably avoiding some sort of weekend duties like cutting the grass, painting a room, well you know what I mean. This game should be good on like level 3 volume in your basement with the lights turned off while you hide and wait for rain and avoid your chores.  The Canadiens have a 1-0 lead, you might as well root like hell they can knock the Bruins out if you are a Penguins fans.Since I'm on the subject, the worst thing about Boston hockey is that all their players just have really annoying last names. If I have to hear Doc Emerick say "Lucic passes it back to Krejci" one more time, I'm going to die, and I'm sure you all will too.


6. Raptors at Nets Game 6 - It's Friday night. It's the official start to your weekend, and the game is on during happy hour. You begin to casually watch. Then you just realize the Raptors franchise is still in existence, you become pretty excited. You also notice Jason Kidd is injured and is wearing a suit on the Nets sideline, and you keep watching.  You brush off that the Nets have these weird looking black and white uniforms. You think why does ESPN has a  "BKN" abbreviation for the New Jersey Nets? You notice Paul Pierce, and do a double take (Did they flip it to the Boston game?). Now you're getting worried.....Then your buddy says something like "Jason Kidd has done a great job coaching Paul Pierce and the Brooklyn Nets." Your world has just been flipped upside down, and you order shots----lots of shots.

5. Rockets at Blazers Game 6 - This series has been wild. All great games, and definitely worth checking in on Friday night if you didn't black out from the Brooklyn Nets realization you just had. And no those aren't replays they keep showing, James Harden is actually taking that many shots.

4. Hawks-Pacers game 7 - Does anyone else find it strange that the NBA has kept this series mostly hidden on their NBATV channel? I mean, hopefully we can actually watch this one on Saturday. The demise of Roy Hibbert is what keeps me going.

3. Grizzlies-Thunder Game 7 - Yeah this series is still going on, I can't believe it either.

2. Rangers - Penguins Game 1 - You got your sporty Sidney Crosby shersey on, you got your Penguins flag hanging on your front porch, and you even forced your dog into a Pens collar. Dude you went all out, "Are those IC Light bottles?" Classy.  You. Are. Pumped. #BecauseItsTheCup amirite? But wait, a goal by the Rangers. The inner yinzer in you starts to scream "Flerury you...." then you catch yourself and realize it was a horrible pass by Letang, and you can rightfully place the blame on that bum instead.



1. Rangers - Penguins Game 2 - You still have a couple IC lights leftover from Friday, it's 7:30 on a Sunday, but you are gonna polish those babies off #BecauseItsTheCup. You are either really nervous, or you have been caught up in Penguins fever....it really depends on what happened Friday. Whatever happens, you are either going to Twitter all about Marc-Andre Fleury to your 47 followers.


Enjoy the weekend.

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